Self validation and joint narratives
The lovers validate the uniqueness and worth in mutual love. There is a chance for the lovers to be fully known in love, accepted without judgment, and loved despite all shortcomings. One desires to know and be known by the beloved. For some, love is the first occasion for a deep interest in the inwardness of another. Not just milestones in the Other’s life, but the most insignificant idiosyncrasies take on meaning and importance. What kind of food the beloved likes matter as much as who the beloved’s other lovers have been. Both are part of what makes the beloved who they are, their essence. The otherwise insignificant in oneself and ones beloved is treasured and assumes importance. There is a validation in love because all ones attributes are noticed and are of concern to the beloved. Our insecurities are healed, our importance guaranteed, only when we become the object of love.
Many people make instrumental use of us, just as we do of them. We reduce them to objects. We are not truly interested in the waiter; if we are the waiter, we know that we are perceived principally as the instrument by which a glass of water may make its way to the table. We do not feel ourselves validated for our central and unique value until we are central to someone else’s narrative.
Lovers must tell the truth about who they are for mutual validation to occur. Validation cannot be complete without full disclosure. People who are afraid to disclose the truth of who they are erect a barrier to falling in love, staying in love and in being redeemed through love.
Obsession and Possession
The lovers have an urgent, ceaseless need to make each other feel and confirm the fullness of their love in mutual love. They search each other’s faces for the effect of each word, each thought, each idea, and each glance when they are together. They can think nothing but of one another when they are apart. They wish to know all the time what the other is doing. The lover’s ruminating about everything feels almost like the lover is possessed. It’s as though thinking about the beloved is the same thing as embracing the beloved.
The ruminating in romantic love makes outsiders judgmental of love. However, the ruminating is at the very heart of love. It is what enables love to change a life. The working and reworking thoughts about the beloved begins to write the beloved into every experience and dream. The ruminating is a sign that a major change is occurring in the mind. There are changes occurring in allegiances, values, perceptions, goals and the sense of self. Identification with the beloved occurs as a result this working over process and a life is changed because of this. Now a picture of the beloved exists within the personality of the lover and enriches it.
So, a second way in which love can change a life is that the lover incorporates features of the beloved into themselves. A characteristic of romantic love is that the beloved’s feelings are as important as one’s own. The lover is always alternating between looking at the world through the perspective of the beloved and looking at the world from the lover’s own perspective. Eventually, the lover comes to identify with the beloved. Namely, the lover molds a part of the personality after the beloved. A change occurs in the lover’s personality because of this. For example, suppose the beloved strongly values kindness and tolerance. The lover may, in time, become like the beloved; a kind and tolerant person toward other people. This second way in which love changes a life may be reflected in the lover’s expanded interests that now include those of the beloved. The lover may develop an interest in old movies, a greater facility in intimacy, a passion for skiing, and an ability to trust and to open up. The lover may give such gifts in return to the beloved.
La Traviata
I would like to return to La Traviata. Verdi must have intuited this second way in which romantic love can change a life, because he conveyed this musically. Alfredo discloses his love for Violetta.
Alfredo
And since that happy day
You flashed lightly into my life;
And since then I’ve lived
In tremulous possession
Of that unspoken love,
“The pulse of the whole world,
Mysterious and unattainable,
The torment and delight of my heart”
Listen to the melody
Click the link below
Alfredo’s confession inflames Violetta and as she muses about him she sings.
Violetta
This man so watchful yet retiring,
Who haunted my sick bed
And turned my fever
Into the burning flame of love.
That love
“The pulse of the whole world,
Mysterious, unattainable,
The torment and delight of my heart”
Click the link below
Violetta sings the same melody as Alfredo, she sings his song, indicating that she is beginning to mold her own personality after him and expand her sense of self.
See Romantic love can change a life #1
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Best,
Dr Paul
Have you given any kind of thought at all with translating your blog in to Spanish? I know a couple of of translaters here that might help you do it for no cost if you want to make contact with me.
I presented some of my material to the Psychoanalytic Society of Mexico Park Mexico in Mexico City last years. They loved it. They particularly love the points about the psychology of love illustrated by the mariachi song “me canse de rogorle” cucucuro paloma. I will think about this.
Best,
Dr Paul
I Will have to come back again whenever my course load lets up – however I am taking your Feed so i can go through your blog offline. Cheers.
I am glad you’ll return. My website is a product of three years of research.
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Dr Paul
Please email me with a few pointers on how you made this blog site look this good, I would appreciate it.
There isn’t just one answer. I have amassed a lot of knowledge being a psychoanalyst 40+ years and published some of that in my site. I have also been passionately interested in the subject of how romantic life can change a life. I have also been struck by how many people have never known love and their lives are poorer because of it. This led me to research barriers to loving. I also like illustrating my points about the psychology of love with music, because I love music. All of these factors contributed to my making my website what it is.
Best,
Dr Paul
How come you dont have your web site viewable in wap format? Can not view anything in my iPhone.
You need to use your computer.
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Dr Paul
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I am glad you’ve found it helpful. This has been a product of much work and preparation.
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Dr Paul
Is it fine to insert part of this on my weblog if perhaps I submit a reference to this web page?
What do you want to insert?
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Dr Paul
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There isn’t just one answer. I have amassed a lot of knowledge being a psychoanalyst 40+ years and published some of that in my site. I have also been passionately interested in the subject of how romantic life can change a life. I have also been struck by how many people have never known love and their lives are poorer because of it. This led me to research barriers to loving. I also like illustrating my points about the psychology of love with music, because I love music. All of these factors contributed to my making my website what it is.
Best,
Dr Paul
I Will have to return again whenever my course load lets up – nevertheless I am getting your Feed so i could go through your blog offline. Thanks.
I am glad you are enjoying my posts. I put three years of research into developing this website.
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Dr Paul
I tried looking at your blog in my blackberry and the layout does not seem to be right. Might want to check it out on WAP as well as it seems most cell phone layouts are not working with your website.
You need to use a regular computer. The website is complex and needs the extra apps a computer contains. I have not designed it for mobile devices.
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Dr Paul
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I am glad you like my website. Keep plugging away and I’m sure yours will come together.
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Dr Paul
How come you dont have your site viewable in wap format? Can not see anything in my netbook.
You need to use your computer to see the website fully. It’s not set up for mobile devices.
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Dr Paul
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I have amassed a lot of knowledge being a psychoanalyst 40+ years and published some of that in my site. I have also been passionately interested in the subject of how romantic life can change a life. I have also been struck by how many people have never known love and their lives are poorer because of it. This led me to research barriers to loving. I also like illustrating my points about the psychology of love with music, because I love music and music speaks directly to the heart. All of these factors contributed to my making my website what it is.
Best,
Dr Paul
How do you make this blog site look this cool. Email me if you want and share your wisdom. Id be appreciative.
I have amassed a lot of knowledge being a psychoanalyst 40+ years and published some of that in my site. I have also been passionately interested in the subject of how romantic life can change a life. I have also been struck by how many people have never known love and their lives are poorer because of it. This led me to research barriers to loving. I also like illustrating my points about the psychology of love with music, because I love music and music speaks directly to the heart. All of these factors contributed to my making my website what it is.
Best,
Dr Paul
How come you dont have your web site viewable in wap format? Can not see anything in my netbook.
Too much to do. View it on your computer. I have close to 100 emails a day to respond to. My posts and website have excited enormous public interest.
Best,
Dr Paul
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I am glad I entertain you. I will post again in a month or so.
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Dr Paul
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Dr Paul
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I have amassed a lot of knowledge being a psychoanalyst 40+ years and published some of that in my site. I have also been passionately interested in the subject of how romantic life can change a life. I have also been struck by how many people have never known love and their lives are poorer because of it. This led me to research barriers to loving. I also like illustrating my points about the psychology of love with music, because I love music and music speaks directly to the heart. All of these factors contributed to my making my website what it is.
Best,
Dr Paul
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How did you make a blog look this awesome!? Email me if you get the chance and share your wisdom. Id be thankful.
I have amassed a lot of knowledge being a psychoanalyst 40+ years and published some of that in my site. I have also been passionately interested in the subject of how romantic life can change a life. I have also been struck by how many people have never known love and their lives are poorer because of it. This led me to research barriers to loving. I also like illustrating my points about the psychology of love with music, because I love music and music speaks directly to the heart. All of these factors contributed to my making my website what it is.
Best,
Dr Paul
I was pretty pleased to find this site. I wanted to thank you for your time for this particularly wonderful read!! I definitely liked every bit of it and I have you saved as a favorite to look at new stuff on your blog.
Most of the psychoanalytic literature is about sex. Those articles that do address love reduce the discussion to its origins in a child’s need for love. There is little written about an adult’s active need to love. I have tried to remedy that in my website.
Best,
Dr Paul
You have made some good points there. I checked on the web to find out more about the issue and found most people will go along with your views on this website.
This is based on three years of research on the psychoanalytic literature on romantic love. This is mainstream psychoanalytic thought, so it doesn’t surprise me that there is a concordance with the view I express here.
Best,
Dr Paul
I quite like reading an article that can make men and women think. Also, many thanks for permitting me to comment!
I am glad I stimulated your thinking. I write about deep processes that can be understood on many levels.
Best,
Dr Paul
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Dr Paul
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Dr Paul
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I have amassed a lot of knowledge being a psychoanalyst 40+ years and published some of that in my site. I have also been passionately interested in the subject of how romantic life can change a life. I have also been struck by how many people have never known love and their lives are poorer because of it. This led me to research barriers to loving. I also like illustrating my points about the psychology of love with music, because I love music and music speaks directly to the heart. All of these factors contributed to my making my website what it is.
Best,
Dr Paul
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I have amassed a lot of knowledge being a psychoanalyst 40+ years and published some of that in my site. I have also been passionately interested in the subject of how romantic life can change a life. I have also been struck by how many people have never known love and their lives are poorer because of it. This led me to research barriers to loving. I also like illustrating my points about the psychology of love with music, because I love music and music speaks directly to the heart. All of these factors contributed to my making my website what it is.
Best,
Dr Paul
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I have amassed a lot of knowledge being a psychoanalyst 40+ years and published some of that in my site. I have also been passionately interested in the subject of how romantic life can change a life. I have also been struck by how many people have never known love and their lives are poorer because of it. This led me to research barriers to loving. I also like illustrating my points about the psychology of love with music, because I love music and music speaks directly to the heart. All of these factors contributed to my making my website what it is.
Best,
Dr Paul
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Dr Paul
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i have researched the psychoanalytic literature on romantic love for three years to create this website. I then try to write as simply as I can in ways that will speak to the heart. Music speaks directly to heart also and is useful in making points about the psychology of love.
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Dr Paul
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